Dear crush(es),

El oh El. This is funny to me because as I sit here to write out my letter I am flabbergasted at all the guys that come into my mind. There seems to be a theme happening in this delusional mind of mine. All the guys I’ve ever had a crush on were once just super kind to me.

That’s it. It sounds stupid yet totally justifiable. They opened the door for me and flashed a smile? They already held my heart in their hand. They knew my name without even actually being introduced to me? I’m already planning our wedding. They let me try their food? Put a collar on me and let me slobber all over you. Yes, sir. No, sir. Well, damn sir.

But my foolish insecure mind was already telling me that me and this unaware man, that was just being kind to me, was trying to get into my pants. This is not only sad but this is desperate. Or is this a cry for help? Is this a trauma response? Is this a way of me just clinging on to a feeling that was never meant to manifest?

All anyone wants is to be held, seen, touched, and caressed with tenderness. That’s all I want. I would’ve said that my favorite sport is football, even though I know nothing about the ball going into the basket. I would’ve said that I thoroughly enjoy playing paintball, while in the midst of being shot by color and my tears were drying behind the mask. But I’m smiling! And I’m laughing! Smiling and laughing.

Fuck. Who am I kidding? Lol honestly. This is why I fawn from afar. Laugh at your humorless jokes and position my body in a way where I can do my work, but see you from the corner of my eye. The candy to my eye. Delicious yet unattainable for someone who wears soul sacred fragility as second skin.

Hopefully, when you read this you won’t stop opening the door and smiling at me as I pass by. You’ll say my name as you say hi and it’ll sound like a love song. You’ll see me blush when you ask about my day, my life, or my weekend. This is the only attention I’ve ever received. I don’t even give this to myself.

I do find that I have crushes on everyone. They could be the most horrendable person but for some reason I can’t seem to keep my eyes off the sliver of gold, that’s shining from the cracks. I wonder if someone thinks of me or sees me in a way that I see them. With beauty and wonder.

Sorry, I am sidelined and this was supposed to be written specifically for you. But maybe you are in everyone. Maybe that’s why I’m smitten by even the strangers that pass me by and smell like you’ve been on them.

I apologize, for my selfishness in this letter. For only thinking of myself and my feelings. I hope you don’t look at me any different.

Love,

Confessions of a Compulsive Liar.