Happy fourth…?

I don’t even know, dude. I don’t really remember the last thing I posted on here. I guess I could take a look but I don’t want to because then I would squirm in my own skin.

I relapsed. I still want to use. Right now, I’m not using. Right now I’m clean but I want to use. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to attend NA meetings because I feel like every time I go in and out I’m taking for granted the help that people give me. Just like this diary post, it’s going to be all over the place because I feel like I’m all over the place.

I did have a dream last week. Can I tell you about it? Well, it’s too late, I’m going to tell you anyways, you don’t have a choice. So, leave now or forever hold your peace.

I’m bald. Like in real life, I’m bald. In the dream, I’m shaving my head, and I usually start from the front and then glide the razor towards the back. I’ve only knicked myself a very few times, and I’ve been shaving my head since I was like 22 – I’m 30 now. Well, in my dream, as I’m shaving my head, while gliding the razor down towards the back of my head, I feel a slight sting – ouch! I nicked myself. I make the face one makes when you accidentally wash your hands and you realize you have a papercut on a finger. Well, in my dream, instead of just easily removing the razor from my head, I somehow accidentally continued to shave the back of my head. I go deeper with the razor and end up leaving a flap of skin open. Now I have blood dripping from the razor, sliding down my back, and I stick my finger in the flap, but then I woke up.

In NA, it’s suggested to read the Basic Text. It’s a deep dark blue color. It’s like the color of the ocean when it’s starless and just a moon shining on it.

Basic Text, 6th Edition, Page 96

“A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind. Being open-minded allows us to hear something that might save our lives. It allows us to listen to opposing points of view, and come to conclusions of our own. Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives. It is this principle that allows us to participate in a discussion without jumping to conclusions or predetermining right and wrong.”

That is what I thought of when I had my dream.

I’m in love with the warm, sensual rush as it courses through my veins, melting me into the euphoria of surrender, bliss, and sin that tingles beneath the skin. It doesn’t ask for anything – only that I move slowly, intentionally, seductively. There’s no audience. Just the fantasy of being watched.

But fuck, why am I like this? Why does something that feels so incredibly fucking delicious also feel so goddamn devouring? Because it is.

Fuck now I want Hot Cheetos and ice cream.