So, I had my second therapy session a couple of days ago, and let’s just say I don’t love how quickly I’ve gotten close to my therapist. We talked about my dad — how I never got a birthday call, text, or social media post from him. Does it hurt that I didn’t? Well, yes.

I wanted to hurt him back with a couple of sarcastic congratulations texts. It’s never too late not to send them. Wanna read them?

What do we think — still sendable? Lol, nooo. I’m not actually going to send them. A jab to the side of his stomach, a pinch to the arm, a paper cut on the lid of his eye… no. I won’t do that. He deserves happiness. Love.

Whatever, my dudes.

But I wonder if it’s all connected. I applied for an internal position and didn’t get it because I’m “divisive” when I try to make sure techs and managers understand each other. Which is funny, because I wouldn’t call myself divisive — I’m protective of my peers. When a manager and lead target me, push me out, make me feel small and unwanted, I’m not going to hide that from the people who ask why I’m leaving. They have a right to know.

Rejected by people I thought wanted the best for me. Rejected by my dad. Dismissed at work, even when I give my all. What am I supposed to do now? I feel like a sitting duck — neither my dad nor my job seems to want me.

I keep trying to find the silver lining, but all I see are parallels I didn’t want to see. Maybe it’s all meant to be, right? Supposed to get better. But when? Because I’m so damn tired.

Overwhelmed by the chaotic amount of things I feel like I need to get done:
work more, earn money, pay bills, pay off the car, get a new car, go to meetings, finish my step work, do service, study, turn in papers, get a degree, exercise, eat well, have a social life, read so I don’t turn into an idiot, wash my face, shower, see a doctor once in a while to make sure I’m okay inside and out, get some sun but not too much, don’t forget to use the bathroom, sleep, put in 40 hours a week (minimum), and maybe have sex sometimes so I don’t lose what’s left of my confidence.

It feels like it only ends when I die — not that I want that, but peace sometimes feels impossible.

Speaking of all the things I need to get done, this is the closing as I get ready to go to a meeting at 7:30 p.m.

Because at the end of the day, I get to do these things, right?

I’m grateful I had the opportunity to hang up on my dad — not everyone has that option.

I’m grateful for a nice little rejection; maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

And with all the things that need to get done, they’ll get done when they do. Until then, I’m going to do what I can and remember to breathe.