I have 122 days clean today.

So far today, I’ve cleaned my kitchen (just need to Swiffer), cleaned my bathroom (even wrote new affirmations on my mirror), washed my sheets and comforter, and I should be doing homework… but instead I’m catching up on everything that’s happened since my last entry in here.

I started a new ADHD medication: Vyvanse. Apparently it’s stronger than my guanfacine and is actually supposed to be more beneficial. The best part — for me, at least — is the side effect that people use it to treat binge eating disorders. I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited about that, because even though people say I eat “healthy,” the second my apartment door is locked I’m ravaging my pantry like a food gremlin sun, raccoon moon and rising.

We’ll see if this medication helps calm the compulsion to feed myself anything I touch, see, or smell. There’s nothing extravagant about what I’m writing — just honesty.

Work is draining me, but my coworkers are keeping me afloat. Is that codependency? I’ll talk to my therapist about it. Oh yeah! I’m seeing a therapist now. The worst part is that he’s cute… until he starts calling me out. Then suddenly I’m like, “Oh! There goes the hour.”

He’s actually great, I think. “I think” because I’m still in that “do we vibe and do you see how brutally self-aware I am?” stage. Part of me is like, I’ve read all the books, I’m in recovery, I’m working steps, I have a sponsor — why do I need a therapist? But then I remember the toxic things I don’t necessarily tell my sponsor because even though she’d understand, she can’t really give me advice. So I tell those things to him, and he doesn’t judge me.

And honestly, part of me thinks he put me on Vyvanse because an injectable weight-loss med might actually trigger me to use. So instead, he’s helping me work on my relationship with food first, starting with the binge eating.

I hate eating, but I love junk food. I’m not like the protein-and-veggies people. Give me a whole matcha cake and two Crumbl cookies. Fuck a sandwich. Give me two bags of Takis. Not in public, though — only in the secrecy of my own home, because food and home are both comfort… and where all the secrets hide.

Too deep? It’s not really that deep, but I make everything deep, so don’t expect anything less.

There is this one cute guy at work, though. He gave me a “friendship offer,” which was actually adorable. I didn’t realize that’s what it was — I thought he was flirting with me, but I’m not flirtwithable. He’s into numerology and he says he’s a life path 4. I’m a life path 8. Not sure what that means buuuuuut we started talking about things like me being a pescatarian and where he lives. I think we’re work friends. I’m gonna talk to my therapist about him too. Lol.

I really feel like nothing too interesting is happening. Hmmm. I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like. I’m only on day two of the new ADHD medication, so we’ll see how much I can actually get done.

What I could use is some ideas on what to write about. Maybe I’ll go on Instagram and ask for some inspiration.

We’ll see.