It would be stupid to fall for someone like you.

It would be insanity to curl into your arms and pretend your body is warm.

But you make me feel intoxicated — the way your adrenaline binds into the blood in my veins, tickling my skin, hot and sweaty. Eyes widened. Pupils dilated. You make me turn into someone I wish I didn’t. My body is fixed around you, dancing with pleasure, desire, seduction — yet sweating with fear and apprehension.

I shake my head and tell myself no, as snapshots of past moments had left me with my eyes deep in my sockets, the light that once radiated from my skin now pale and gray. I close my eyes because falling for you would be stupid. It would be insanity. To let you have me tied up, dehydrated, indisposed, heavy like dead weight.

Why do I keep finding myself wanting to go back to someone who tells me lies and wants me dead? Why does a God exist that would give me this? A God that would let me have the deep, dark, burning, fabricated desire to feel you for the first time, all over again?

Do I blame a God that doesn’t seem to exist?

Do I blame myself?

Do I blame you?

I’ve yelled with choking tears to the ceiling. I’ve whispered with a tightening throat cradled on the bathroom floor of a motel. Salt streams have hugged my cheeks and have seeped into my ears. I can only see myself. I can’t see God, and you’re never around to blame once you’re done with me.

But the thought of you keeps manifesting in my peripheral vision. When I think you’re there, you’re nowhere near. So, is it me who finds you, or is it you who looks for me?

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I wanted my life to feel like a Disney princess movie, or a romantic dramedy. Right now, it feels like a soul-sucking and drawn-out drama thriller with all of the clichés and tropes that make it a raspberry award winner, and there’s no end in sight for the sequels and prequels. The prince doesn’t save me with a true love’s first kiss. The family doesn’t come together, hold hands, and sing kumbayah while sprinkling forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Ugh. My tummy hurts.

The sigh I let out is deep and heavy. It would be stupid and insane to fall for you again.