It feels like a lie. It’s not, but just because it isn’t a lie doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like it is. I’ve had these days lined up in a row so many times. They’ve added up to 60, 90, 120, and the longest was 548 days. But these 30 days feel like I’ve been here before and I have. But I also haven’t?

There has been some good. You know like a promotion, and putting myself through treatment, and going to meetings. The treatment aspect has really been good to me. I hit some pain points and there are some things I have a hard time grasping. One thing is the spiritual aspect of this recovery thing. I’ve grown up going to the private baptist school, and going to the Sunday bible classes for kids, then I did the whole faith based treatment program that undoubtedly had me closer to a higher power than I had ever known.

But then I had to start over with the whole day one thing, and I’ve kept starting over, again, again, and again. I can’t say I necessarily believe in a specific higher power. There is one out there. I think. I don’t know. Part of me feels like I’ve been so conditioned and brainwashed by the societal norms of western religion that there are times I feel like the higher power is actually in me. That I am part of the higher power.

Lol I laugh because I just realized I’ve had two cups of coffee, I can’t figure out how to get this WordPress website the way I like it, I have yet to take my medication, and I’m practically brain dumping myself into oblivion. Haha

Does it make any sense? Ah who cares.

I feel stuck. 30 days at 30 years old and I feel stuck. I feel like how this post feels. I think I’ve gone through like six different emotions while writing all this out. Lol I say six because I can only really think of six. I should probably read me.

Anyways. Until next time. <3

Confessions of a Compulsive Liar.